If Only

If only I didn't need to wear a leg brace to help me walk and if only my left hand worked so I could put the brace on myself. If only I didn't have to depend on other people to help with my personal care to get me up an running every day. If only all these things. If only I could be independent, I might be happy again and not cry all the time. Today started out badly, with the person who came to do my morning care bullying me about getting my bedroom furniture moved. I live in a place where caregivers are scheduled to come to help me twice a day and some of these people aren't very nice. Conversely though, some of them are lovely and when my day starts with one of them, everything's alright. It's horrible not knowing who'll be coming through the door and such a relief when it turns out to be one of my favourites. Independence would add such value to my life and I long for the day when it might happen. All I can do is hope that some kind of function, even if limited, will return to my left hand. I did have a brace made that I can manage with one hand but it affects my balance and gait in such a way that I don't feel safe when walking. Next week, my specialist will begin treating the muscles in my hand and arm with Botox, which will relax them enough to allow some therapy. At the moment they're too tight to be able to work with.