A Lost Month
I hadn't realized quite how long it's been since I last wrote and am a little shocked to realize that March slipped away without comment.
March 21st marked my sixth month living in Edinburgh and, rather than being able to enjoy and celebrate this, I've been plagued by doubts about my future and seem to have turned into a dithering, indecisive stranger that I don't recognize. Being a normally straightforward, decisive person, I'm not quite sure how to handle this new Jacki.
The problem is that I love it here. Truly, madly, deeply, as the name of the film goes. Despite missing my kids so profoundly that their absence regularly moves me to tears. Despite still being stuck in a shit job as a temporary legal secretary and feeling as if I'll never find any kind of fulfilling, satisfying work. Despite having only a fraction of the friends I enjoyed in Canada. Despite worrying about money all the time because the cost of living is so high and, as a temp, not working means not getting paid. Despite spending hours and hours of my "leisure" time looking for and applying for jobs and, lately, wondering what's the point of putting all this work into it. Despite sometimes feeling a bit lonely.
I've waited for twinges of homesickness for Canada but they don't appear. I can't imagine not seeing the castle every single day, or walking down to the Dean Village or through Princes Street Gardens in my lunch hour. What would my life be like without my walks along the Water of Leith walkway? Or the pleasure of walking from the bus stop to my office through elegant squares and crescents housing 18th century townhouses, with private gardens at their centres, filled (at the moment) with flowering shrubs, bulbs and bright green leaves unfurling on 200-year-old trees, all accompanied by church bells striking the hour?
How can I live thousands of miles away from the people who mean the most to me?
I wasn't so naive, when planning this sojourn, not to realize that I was creating some big dilemmas for myself. You can't just walk away from your life and start a new, uncertain one without some suffering. I knew that. I still know it. But knowing something intellectually and knowing it emotionally are two different things. Which I also knew.
The trouble with me is that I'm a very strong woman and I come from a line of very strong women, whose lives, in some cases, were relentlessly harsh and difficult. Because I withstood a pretty desperate adolescence, my mother's death when I was 21, then, later, the deaths of my father and two of my sisters, and the loss of my marriage, I tend to think I can endure anything. I think I'm invincible. And when I discover that I'm a mere mortal whose conflicting emotions and desires have turned her into a dithering, fretful old bag, I don't know how to cope with it.
Now I do realize that this doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing decision: the rest of my life in the UK or the rest of my life in Canada. It can be a few years here and there. What gets in the way of such an option, though, is work. Part of the pressure I'm feeling right now is that, in the next four months or so, I have to make a decision about my job in Vancouver, which is on hold for me until the end of September. This is a government job with some security, some seniority from 10 years service, decent pay, good benefits, a 4-day 35-hour week, a final salary pension, and co-workers I'm fond of. It's also a job I'm not all that keen on. Finding another job in Canada at my age and without educational qualifications will be a lot harder than it is here. At worst though, I could go back to legal work, either as a paralegal or secretary (oh Jaysus - hang me now!).
Then there's the practical stuff that bogs me down when considering options: it kills me that I'm "throwing away" thousands of pounds in rent throughout the year, so even if I was only going to stay here another couple of years, I'd have to buy a place (not as straightforward here as it is in North America). Then if I decide to return to Canada, the selling here and the buying of a place in BC. And what about my belongings languishing in Vancouver? And the new belongings acquired here? The costs of all this to-ing and fro-ing would be onerous.
So I'm soliciting advice from you, dear reader. I need help to put all this in perspective and consider differing views from a variety of people. I need some objective common sense to be thrown at me.
March 21st marked my sixth month living in Edinburgh and, rather than being able to enjoy and celebrate this, I've been plagued by doubts about my future and seem to have turned into a dithering, indecisive stranger that I don't recognize. Being a normally straightforward, decisive person, I'm not quite sure how to handle this new Jacki.
The problem is that I love it here. Truly, madly, deeply, as the name of the film goes. Despite missing my kids so profoundly that their absence regularly moves me to tears. Despite still being stuck in a shit job as a temporary legal secretary and feeling as if I'll never find any kind of fulfilling, satisfying work. Despite having only a fraction of the friends I enjoyed in Canada. Despite worrying about money all the time because the cost of living is so high and, as a temp, not working means not getting paid. Despite spending hours and hours of my "leisure" time looking for and applying for jobs and, lately, wondering what's the point of putting all this work into it. Despite sometimes feeling a bit lonely.
I've waited for twinges of homesickness for Canada but they don't appear. I can't imagine not seeing the castle every single day, or walking down to the Dean Village or through Princes Street Gardens in my lunch hour. What would my life be like without my walks along the Water of Leith walkway? Or the pleasure of walking from the bus stop to my office through elegant squares and crescents housing 18th century townhouses, with private gardens at their centres, filled (at the moment) with flowering shrubs, bulbs and bright green leaves unfurling on 200-year-old trees, all accompanied by church bells striking the hour?
How can I live thousands of miles away from the people who mean the most to me?
I wasn't so naive, when planning this sojourn, not to realize that I was creating some big dilemmas for myself. You can't just walk away from your life and start a new, uncertain one without some suffering. I knew that. I still know it. But knowing something intellectually and knowing it emotionally are two different things. Which I also knew.
The trouble with me is that I'm a very strong woman and I come from a line of very strong women, whose lives, in some cases, were relentlessly harsh and difficult. Because I withstood a pretty desperate adolescence, my mother's death when I was 21, then, later, the deaths of my father and two of my sisters, and the loss of my marriage, I tend to think I can endure anything. I think I'm invincible. And when I discover that I'm a mere mortal whose conflicting emotions and desires have turned her into a dithering, fretful old bag, I don't know how to cope with it.
Now I do realize that this doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing decision: the rest of my life in the UK or the rest of my life in Canada. It can be a few years here and there. What gets in the way of such an option, though, is work. Part of the pressure I'm feeling right now is that, in the next four months or so, I have to make a decision about my job in Vancouver, which is on hold for me until the end of September. This is a government job with some security, some seniority from 10 years service, decent pay, good benefits, a 4-day 35-hour week, a final salary pension, and co-workers I'm fond of. It's also a job I'm not all that keen on. Finding another job in Canada at my age and without educational qualifications will be a lot harder than it is here. At worst though, I could go back to legal work, either as a paralegal or secretary (oh Jaysus - hang me now!).
Then there's the practical stuff that bogs me down when considering options: it kills me that I'm "throwing away" thousands of pounds in rent throughout the year, so even if I was only going to stay here another couple of years, I'd have to buy a place (not as straightforward here as it is in North America). Then if I decide to return to Canada, the selling here and the buying of a place in BC. And what about my belongings languishing in Vancouver? And the new belongings acquired here? The costs of all this to-ing and fro-ing would be onerous.
So I'm soliciting advice from you, dear reader. I need help to put all this in perspective and consider differing views from a variety of people. I need some objective common sense to be thrown at me.
posted by Jacki | 9:19 PM
3 Comments:
I cannot be objective, because I want you to come back home. I realize this doesn't make your decision any easier. However... instead of thinking of "I could live one place and then the other", you can also consider the fact that you don't have to MOVE from one place to another... you can visit for extended periods of time. You get a decent enough amount of holidays with the Ministry that you could easily spend at least a month in Scotland every year, and likely your efforts could pay off and land you a job in Edinburgh that might allow you the same option.
And you have awhile before you need to make any decisions. Consider that until now you have not had any visitors from Canada, which might help clear up some of the confusion you're feeling, and you have lots of time to sort through these emotions. Wherever you are supposed to be, you will know. I believe the same way you knew you needed to move back to Scotland, you'll know where you belong.
I miss you, Mummy, but I want you to be happy, so if, in the end, you belong in Edinburgh, we'll just make it work. I can't very well complain about having free accomodation in Scotland, can I?
Just give yourself time, and stop pressuring yourself to figure it out yesterday, as is your style. Let it happen.
oh my god! I just wrote a big long ting and thenwhen I had to enter my comment info it all vanished!
Sorry I'llhave rewrite later ... damn I had some good stuff there too ...
Warning to people: make sure you know your posting info before you write anything (I must have forgotten my password because I had reset it)
Oh no -- I feel like I've abandoned you in your hour of need. I haven't logged on to your blog for ages -- life has been a blur for the past month. Are you still in need of advice or have you resolved your crisis?
If you haven't come to any conclusions about your future doctor, I'll add my two cents -- for as long as I've known you (and it seems like a very long time -- it has to be at least 15 years) you've been searching for something. It seems like whatever the "something" was, it has always been just slightly out of reach -- but then you got this notion to move back to the old country and I truly believe that you've found what you were looking for -- home. Scotland seems to be where you truly belong and feel at peace. On the practical side -- I can speak from experience -- when I first moved to Victoria I thought I'd never earn a decent living again. As much as I wanted to live here the job situation was dismal -- I ended up working from 9:00 until 12:00 at one law firm, from 12:00 to 4:00 at another law firm and from 5:00 to 9:00 at a fabric store. It was truly awful. It seemed to take a very long time to get out of that horrible situation, but in hind sight it was 2 years.
It doesn't matter where you live doctor -- there will be wonderful things and horrible things -- the bottom line is, is that you should live where your heart tells you to. If that means staying in Scotland you will work out how you are going to do it -- that's where being a "strong woman" comes into play.
Now, before I blather on any more I'm going to try to post this -- if I encounter the same problem that Tamlyn had I'm going to scream . . .
Robin
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