O CANADA

Today marks my fifth week back in Canada and the welcome I've received from my friends and family makes me feel very lucky indeed to have so many people in my life who are so obviously happy about my return. This, of course, is why I came back but it hasn't stopped me from crying all the time. I'm still spending every day and evening alone and am housebound because my transportation options here are more limited than they were in Edinburgh, unless someone comes to take me out. Nevertheless, I've had visits from many people to keep me company and my brother has taken me out for walks in my wheelchair several times. I long to be able to take myself out for a walk and am hopeful about two things I'm about to try which might make that possible. I've ordered a walking aid called a Musmate, which is designed to counteract the foot drop which prevents my left foot from flexing in the way necessary to get the foot and leg moving the way it needs to in order to prevent tripping and loss of balance. It should arrive in the mail next week sometime and I can't wait to try it out. Today, I have an appointment for consultation with an acupuncturist and doctor of Chinese medicine and look forward to hearing what he has to say about my chances of recovery. I had decided while still in hospital to try acupuncture for my arm because I think it's worthwhile to try everything available to me if it might help with my recovery. I need to have hope in order to keep going and if alternative therapies can provide me with enough hope to stop me from giving up, then I think that's part of their value.

I've discussed a return to work with my GP here and his opinion is that I should do whatever I can to add value to my life so long as I ease into it slowly. My goal is to start back at my old job in September but the wheels of government (my employer) turn slowly and there are countless assessments and meetings that have to take place before anything can happen. Fortunately, I'm receiving long term disability benefits through my employer so my finances sre adequately taken care of but my reasons for wanting to work aren't related to my fiscal situation. I need to have a reason to get out of bed every day and work will provide that, as well as some help to rebuild my confidence and self esteem.

If I could type with two hands, this would be the perfect opportunity to write all those books ?I've been outlining in my mind but those will have to wait. If my return to work is delayed, my plan is to do some volunteer work with recovering stroke patients with a view to providing encouragement and an empathetic ear to those who need it. I live close to a hospital and will try to make that my focus. I want to do this work regardless of what happens with my job. Being visited by a stroke survivor in the process of recovery would have encouraged and inspired me when I was at my lowest point in hospital and I really want to be able to provide that along with some hope to the survivors who are still patients trying to come to terms with this new way of life that's been forced on them.

Now that I'm back in Canada among the people who love me, I'm able to find more focus for my future because I'm not in limbo anymore.

I miss Evan terribly and sometimes feel homesick for Edinburgh but try to comfort myself with the knowledge that I can go back and do the things I was grieving for while I was still living there.