No Point in If Only

Realizing that the leg brace is largely what prevents me from regaining independence, I decided I'll have to fight it and have left a message for my physiotherapist to let her know I want to learn to walk without a brace, even though the prospect is terrifying. My leg has become so dependent on the support of the brace, that the muscles may not have the strength to support my leg and even with the brace, my left leg can't support my weight alone. I stopped having physio several weeks ago when my therapist decided there was nothing more she could do for me but I'm desperate enough that I'm not willing to accept that. I've heard and read that therapists are quick to decide, based on statistics thata stroke patient has reached a plateau and all treatment then stops as it's considered a waste of time. Well it's not a waste of time for me if there's any chance of improvement, however small. I'm sick of prognoses being made about my recovery based on statistics. The plateau theoryis based on statistics that recovery stops after 12 months post-stroke. However, there are other statistics which prove recovery continues and is ongoing for several years post-stroke and those are the ones I'm going with. I'm determined and tenacious enough to keep trying and working hard at anything that might improve my quality of life so to hell with the defeatist and pessimistic statisticians.

On that note, this is as good a time as any to tell you that my arm and hand will be injected with Botox tomorrow for the purpose of loosening up the muscles enough to allow some therapy. At the moment, my elbow, wrist and finger muscles are too tight to allow even gentle stretching using my good hand to manipulate them. I can't even wash the left hand properly because the fingers tighten into a deathgrip. When I'm walking, the elbow tightens and pulls the lower arm up to my chest and the Botox should allow the arm to hang naturally. Loosening the elbow will also make it easier to dress. At the moment, it's difficult for me to get the sleeve of a sweater, jacket or coat on because of the rigidity of the arm. This behaviour is what prompted Evan to christen the left arm 'The Creeper' immediately after the stroke

I go into this treatment with no expectations - only hope that I might regain some function, however minimal. Some patients have shown improvement following this treatment and I hope I might be one of the lucky ones. I don't think I'll get back to the 70 wpm typist Jacki or the knitting Jacki (both of which I miss a lot) but if my left hand could be able to hold something (say hold a piece of bread to butter it or hold a jar to open it with my right hand), that would surpass my hopes for the time being. Although I'm quick to dismiss the statistics that don't suit me, the Botox statistics are positive enough that I'm happy to embrace them if they offer hope. Without hope, life isn't worth living, I think. That's a subject for a whole other essay.