A Lost Month
I hadn't realized quite how long it's been since I last wrote and am a little shocked to realize that March slipped away without comment.
March 21st marked my sixth month living in Edinburgh and, rather than being able to enjoy and celebrate this, I've been plagued by doubts about my future and seem to have turned into a dithering, indecisive stranger that I don't recognize. Being a normally straightforward, decisive person, I'm not quite sure how to handle this new Jacki.
The problem is that I love it here. Truly, madly, deeply, as the name of the film goes. Despite missing my kids so profoundly that their absence regularly moves me to tears. Despite still being stuck in a shit job as a temporary legal secretary and feeling as if I'll never find any kind of fulfilling, satisfying work. Despite having only a fraction of the friends I enjoyed in Canada. Despite worrying about money all the time because the cost of living is so high and, as a temp, not working means not getting paid. Despite spending hours and hours of my "leisure" time looking for and applying for jobs and, lately, wondering what's the point of putting all this work into it. Despite sometimes feeling a bit lonely.
I've waited for twinges of homesickness for Canada but they don't appear. I can't imagine not seeing the castle every single day, or walking down to the Dean Village or through Princes Street Gardens in my lunch hour. What would my life be like without my walks along the Water of Leith walkway? Or the pleasure of walking from the bus stop to my office through elegant squares and crescents housing 18th century townhouses, with private gardens at their centres, filled (at the moment) with flowering shrubs, bulbs and bright green leaves unfurling on 200-year-old trees, all accompanied by church bells striking the hour?
How can I live thousands of miles away from the people who mean the most to me?
I wasn't so naive, when planning this sojourn, not to realize that I was creating some big dilemmas for myself. You can't just walk away from your life and start a new, uncertain one without some suffering. I knew that. I still know it. But knowing something intellectually and knowing it emotionally are two different things. Which I also knew.
The trouble with me is that I'm a very strong woman and I come from a line of very strong women, whose lives, in some cases, were relentlessly harsh and difficult. Because I withstood a pretty desperate adolescence, my mother's death when I was 21, then, later, the deaths of my father and two of my sisters, and the loss of my marriage, I tend to think I can endure anything. I think I'm invincible. And when I discover that I'm a mere mortal whose conflicting emotions and desires have turned her into a dithering, fretful old bag, I don't know how to cope with it.
Now I do realize that this doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing decision: the rest of my life in the UK or the rest of my life in Canada. It can be a few years here and there. What gets in the way of such an option, though, is work. Part of the pressure I'm feeling right now is that, in the next four months or so, I have to make a decision about my job in Vancouver, which is on hold for me until the end of September. This is a government job with some security, some seniority from 10 years service, decent pay, good benefits, a 4-day 35-hour week, a final salary pension, and co-workers I'm fond of. It's also a job I'm not all that keen on. Finding another job in Canada at my age and without educational qualifications will be a lot harder than it is here. At worst though, I could go back to legal work, either as a paralegal or secretary (oh Jaysus - hang me now!).
Then there's the practical stuff that bogs me down when considering options: it kills me that I'm "throwing away" thousands of pounds in rent throughout the year, so even if I was only going to stay here another couple of years, I'd have to buy a place (not as straightforward here as it is in North America). Then if I decide to return to Canada, the selling here and the buying of a place in BC. And what about my belongings languishing in Vancouver? And the new belongings acquired here? The costs of all this to-ing and fro-ing would be onerous.
So I'm soliciting advice from you, dear reader. I need help to put all this in perspective and consider differing views from a variety of people. I need some objective common sense to be thrown at me.
March 21st marked my sixth month living in Edinburgh and, rather than being able to enjoy and celebrate this, I've been plagued by doubts about my future and seem to have turned into a dithering, indecisive stranger that I don't recognize. Being a normally straightforward, decisive person, I'm not quite sure how to handle this new Jacki.
The problem is that I love it here. Truly, madly, deeply, as the name of the film goes. Despite missing my kids so profoundly that their absence regularly moves me to tears. Despite still being stuck in a shit job as a temporary legal secretary and feeling as if I'll never find any kind of fulfilling, satisfying work. Despite having only a fraction of the friends I enjoyed in Canada. Despite worrying about money all the time because the cost of living is so high and, as a temp, not working means not getting paid. Despite spending hours and hours of my "leisure" time looking for and applying for jobs and, lately, wondering what's the point of putting all this work into it. Despite sometimes feeling a bit lonely.
I've waited for twinges of homesickness for Canada but they don't appear. I can't imagine not seeing the castle every single day, or walking down to the Dean Village or through Princes Street Gardens in my lunch hour. What would my life be like without my walks along the Water of Leith walkway? Or the pleasure of walking from the bus stop to my office through elegant squares and crescents housing 18th century townhouses, with private gardens at their centres, filled (at the moment) with flowering shrubs, bulbs and bright green leaves unfurling on 200-year-old trees, all accompanied by church bells striking the hour?
How can I live thousands of miles away from the people who mean the most to me?
I wasn't so naive, when planning this sojourn, not to realize that I was creating some big dilemmas for myself. You can't just walk away from your life and start a new, uncertain one without some suffering. I knew that. I still know it. But knowing something intellectually and knowing it emotionally are two different things. Which I also knew.
The trouble with me is that I'm a very strong woman and I come from a line of very strong women, whose lives, in some cases, were relentlessly harsh and difficult. Because I withstood a pretty desperate adolescence, my mother's death when I was 21, then, later, the deaths of my father and two of my sisters, and the loss of my marriage, I tend to think I can endure anything. I think I'm invincible. And when I discover that I'm a mere mortal whose conflicting emotions and desires have turned her into a dithering, fretful old bag, I don't know how to cope with it.
Now I do realize that this doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing decision: the rest of my life in the UK or the rest of my life in Canada. It can be a few years here and there. What gets in the way of such an option, though, is work. Part of the pressure I'm feeling right now is that, in the next four months or so, I have to make a decision about my job in Vancouver, which is on hold for me until the end of September. This is a government job with some security, some seniority from 10 years service, decent pay, good benefits, a 4-day 35-hour week, a final salary pension, and co-workers I'm fond of. It's also a job I'm not all that keen on. Finding another job in Canada at my age and without educational qualifications will be a lot harder than it is here. At worst though, I could go back to legal work, either as a paralegal or secretary (oh Jaysus - hang me now!).
Then there's the practical stuff that bogs me down when considering options: it kills me that I'm "throwing away" thousands of pounds in rent throughout the year, so even if I was only going to stay here another couple of years, I'd have to buy a place (not as straightforward here as it is in North America). Then if I decide to return to Canada, the selling here and the buying of a place in BC. And what about my belongings languishing in Vancouver? And the new belongings acquired here? The costs of all this to-ing and fro-ing would be onerous.
So I'm soliciting advice from you, dear reader. I need help to put all this in perspective and consider differing views from a variety of people. I need some objective common sense to be thrown at me.
posted by Jacki | 9:19 PM
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3 comments
